How do I Unlearn the Past?

I am actively trying to develop new habits, but they are in direct contrast to the way I was raised as a child and young adult.

I was raised with a strict religious upbringing, which taught me that most things (if not everything) are black and white.  But everything that I’m trying to practice now requires a flexibility that my whole body rejects.  And just learning or understanding it on an intellectual level does not translate into my emotions or behavior. In fact, it makes it worse.  I judge myself because I know better now, but I’m still unable to control myself. Every once in a while, I can beat my old mentality, but the second I let my guard down, it comes rushing in and filling my whole being.

One of the many things I’m working on is developing better eating habits.  I was raised in an environment where I kept the laws of eating Kosher, which means simply, “here are the foods you are allowed to eat, and don’t even think about going anywhere near those other foods.  Seriously, don’t even walk into an establishment that sells those things.”

Now that I’m no longer following the rules of my past, I’m kind of getting lost in the freedom. I have no one telling me what to eat and what not to eat.  And its not that I don’t know the difference between healthy foods and unhealthy foods, its just that I’ve never really been taught how to use my own will power in this arena.  I’ve always had someone (or something) else controlling my eating habits.

Its also not as if I’ve never had periods of healthy eating, but I tend to swing like a pendulum (I told you, “black and white”).  I don’t know how to be comfortable eating one unhealthy item.  I judge myself terribly, and then assume I’ve gone “off the path.” This then allows me to eat all the worst kinds of things, thinking, “Well, I’ve already proven that I am not eating perfectly healthy, so I might as well enjoy all of the [insert junk food choice].”

I know that this all stems from this idea of perfectionism and black and white thinking, but I just don’t know how to unlearn it all.

And eating is just one example.


Fear of Success is Fear of Arrogance

I just had a revelation.  While I have your average run-of-the-mill fear of failure, I also just realized I have an intense fear of success.  Everything I’ve ever done in my life, I’ve done as well as I could without being “too good.”  Even in things for which I’ve been passionate.  I’ve ALWAYS stopped just short of achievement.  Because of fear. Frantic fear.

Until now, this has been entirely subconscious.

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