I Just Want to Stop Feeling Ashamed

In recent months, probably the last year, I have discovered much that I am ashamed of.  My religious background, my sexual past, my education, my current lifestyle, and more.  Some of those I have begun to work on, and while extremely difficult, I persist.

I’m finding that every time I open up the door to work on my shame, I find more things I’m ashamed of.  I’m now at the point that I’m hoping beyond belief that there is a finite number of things of which I am ashamed, and that eventually I’ll have addressed everything by a certain time.  Right now, I’m aiming for by the time I have children and need to raise them.

The other part of me believes that this is false hope. That shame is something that continually develops and requires constant effort.

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Fear of Success is Fear of Arrogance

I just had a revelation.  While I have your average run-of-the-mill fear of failure, I also just realized I have an intense fear of success.  Everything I’ve ever done in my life, I’ve done as well as I could without being “too good.”  Even in things for which I’ve been passionate.  I’ve ALWAYS stopped just short of achievement.  Because of fear. Frantic fear.

Until now, this has been entirely subconscious.

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